"When you are hurting, there will always be people who find a way to make it about themselves. If you break your wrist, they’ll complain about a sprained ankle. If you are sad, they’re sadder. If you’re asking for help, they’ll demand more attention.
Here is a fact: I was in a hospital and sobbing into my palms when a woman approached me and asked why I was making so much noise and I managed to stutter that my best friend shot himself in the head and now he was 100% certified dead and she made this little grunt and had the nerve to tell me, “Well now you made me sad.”
When you get angry, there are going to be people who ask you to shut up and sit down, and they’re not going to do it nicely. Theirs are the faces that turn bright red before you have a chance to finish your sentence. They won’t ask you to explain yourself. They’ll be mad that you’re mad and that will be their whole reason alone.
Here is a fact: I was in an alleyway a few weeks ago, stroking my friend’s back as she vomited fourteen tequila shots. “I hate men,” she wheezed as her sides heaved, “I hate all of them.”
I braided her hair so it wouldn’t get caught in the mess. I didn’t correct her and reply that she does in fact love her father and her little brother too, that there are strangers she has yet to meet that will be better for her than any of her shitty ex-boyfriends, that half of our group of friends identifies as male - I could hear each of her bruises in those words and I didn’t ask her to soften the blow when she was trying to buff them out of her skin. She doesn’t hate all men. She never did.
She had the misfortune to be overheard by a drunk guy in an ill-fitting suit, a boy trying to look like a man and leering down my dress as he stormed towards us. “Fuck you, lady,” he said, “Fuck you. Not all men are evil, you know.”
“Thanks,” I told him dryly, pulling on her hand, trying to get her inside again, “See you.”
He followed us. Wouldn’t stop shouting. How dare she get mad. How dare she was hurting. “It’s hard for me too!” he yowled after us. “With fuckers like you, how’s a guy supposed to live?”
Here’s a fact: my father is Cuban and my genes repeat his. Once one of my teachers looked at my heritage and said, “Your skin doesn’t look dirty enough to be a Mexican.”
When my cheeks grew pink and my tongue dried up, someone else in the classroom stood up. “You can’t say that,” he said, “That’s fucking racist. We could report you for that.”
Our teacher turned vicious. “You wanna fail this class? Go ahead. Report me. I was joking. It’s my word against yours. I hate kids like you. You think you’ve got all the power - you don’t. I do.”
Later that kid and I became close friends and we skipped class to do anything else and the two of us were lying on our backs staring up at the sky and as we talked about that moment, he sighed, “I hate white people.” His girlfriend is white and so is his mom. I reached out until my fingers were resting in the warmth of his palm.
He spoke up each time our teacher said something shitty. He failed the class. I stayed silent. I got the A but I wish that I didn’t.
Here is a fact: I think gender is a social construct and people that want to tell others what defines it just haven’t done their homework. I personally happen to have the luck of the draw and am the same gender as my sex, which basically just means society leaves me alone about this one particular thing.
Until I met Alex, who said he hated cis people. My throat closed up. I’m not good at confrontation. I avoided him because I didn’t want to bother him.
One day I was going on a walk and I found him behind our school, bleeding out of the side of his mouth. The only thing I really know is how to patch people up. He winced when the antibacterial cream went across his new wounds. “I hate cis people,” he said weakly.
I looked at him and pushed his hair back from his head. “I understand why you do.”
Here is a fact: anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is how people stop themselves from hurting. Anger is how people stop themselves by empathizing.
It is easy for the drunken man to be mad at my friend. If he says “Hey, fuck you, lady,” he doesn’t have to worry about what’s so wrong about men.
It’s easy for my teacher to fail the kids who speak up. If we’re just smart-ass students, it’s not his fault we fuck up.
It’s easy for me to hate Alex for labeling me as dangerous when I’ve never hurt someone a day in my life. But I’m safe in my skin and his life is at risk just by going to the bathroom. I understand why he says things like that. I finally do.
There’s a difference between the spread of hatred and the frustration of people who are hurting. The thing is, when you are broken, there will always be someone who says “I’m worse, stop talking.” There will always be people who are mad you’re trying to steal the attention. There will always be people who get mad at the same time as you do - they hate being challenged. It changes the rules.
I say I hate all Mondays but my sister was born on one and she’s the greatest joy I have ever known. I say I hate brown but it’s really just the word and how it turns your mouth down - the colour is my hair and my eyes and my favorite sweater. I say I hate pineapple but I still try it again every Easter, just to see if it stings less this year. It’s okay to be sad when you hear someone generalize a group you’re in. But instead of assuming they’re evil and filled with hatred, maybe ask them why they think that way - who knows, you might just end up with a new and kind friend.”
— By telling the oppressed that their anger is unjustified, you allow the oppression to continue. I know it’s hard to stay calm. I know it’s scary. But you’re coming from the safe place and they aren’t. Just please … Try to be more understanding. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
Of course their anger is justified. Our anger is also justified. Anyone who is treated like shit has the right to their anger, and everyone has the right to demand better treatment.
We’ve never told actual oppressed people that they have no right to their anger. Ever. We’ve told them they have no right to be abusive. Why? Because NO ONE DOES.
Relevant quote from that story "There’s a difference between the spread of hatred and the frustration of people who are hurting. "
Yes. Exactly. We’re against the spread of hatred in the form of harassment, hatemail, suicide encouragement, death threats and doxxing. This isn’t a case of being angry because a beaten trans person in an alley said “I hate cis people.” This is a case of concentrated and focused abuse of specific individuals - who are themselves often minorities - by people who are are not facing any actual danger from someone who was minding their own business, asked a question, made a piece of art, or said something they don’t like online.
Like, are you kidding me? Try to be more understanding when a Japanese blogger is attacked off tumblr for saying that an anime character isn’t trans as it doesn’t make sense culturally? Try to be more understanding when someone is told to kill themselves for having a birth mark in the center of her forehead and being named Bindi? Try to be more understanding when a professed feminist doxxes an asexual schizophrenic because liking pictures of penises isn’t feminist? Try to be more understanding when little boys are driven to attempt suicide because they like a cartoon?
Try to be more understanding of that?
No, how about people try growing the fuck up?
That’s not excusable because you “aren’t coming from a safe place.” That’s bullshit childike behavior and no one is required to sit back and accept it. And before you cry about “policing people’s responses” we have plenty of trans, POC, female, non-binary mods and readers who write in about their experiences. Quit talking as though the RSJ mods and readers have not been assaulted, abused, made victims of, marginalized, and suffered because of our race, sex, or gender. We are trans, POC, nonbinary, everything SJWs are (or claim to be). We’ve all suffered the same “oppressions” but we don’t feel the need to behave like horrible half-humans because of it, so we don’t have a whole hell of a lot of sympathy when people cry because no one will accept bullying from them.
Instead, we open lines of communication between minorities and majorities here. We fund charities and talk about current events. We post educational articles and encourage people to discuss hard issues. We have a blog called anonymous-love-mail to counteract anonymous hate mail. We do everything it is possible to do on tumblr to make people’s lives a little bit better and work for equality. Actual equality, not the equality that says “My claim to oppression means I get to treat anyone I care to like shit.” We discuss things calmly here, like adults, even if it gets heated. And we manage to do it among a very wide and diverse spread of people, because wow, grown ups!
Yet here you are, complaining that we are invalidating people’s anger because we won’t accept abuse? I’m sorry, no. I’m sick of hearing crying because people have the gall to fight back and ask if you could please attempt to comport yourself as an adult on-fucking-line.
It’s not that damn much to ask that you NOT go out of your way to be horrible.
It’s not “invalidating” to ask that someone behave like human adult. If you think it is, you are still a child, and deserve to be scolded like one.
Jafar made this post 9000 times better.